Casual Naked

Gentile Reader,

First and foremost I would like for you to understand that copious amounts of alcohol and me generally mix quite well, the end result being series of legendary, almost epic events. Secondly I would like for you to know, that deep down inside I am rather geeky, and explain things in a sometimes strange fashion. The following events will make more sense, if taken in context. I love animals, I have quite a few different type of pets, when I geek out on something, and start talking about it I sound somewhat like a narrator for a BBC film about African wildlife. When I get to the ‘almost passed out drunk’ (to be substituted with ‘passed out but still lucid drunk’ apparently) I go into a strange teaching mode, likening human behavior to that of animals, shit you will see if you read on. Now, onto the good parts.

Meet The Blasian: Blasian will not be identified further, it should be noted she is the smartest woman that I have ever dated, she’s half black and half Korean, and completely hilarious, she has a masters degree, and puts up with my antics when most women would run away. I have no idea why she puts up with the crazy shit I do, perhaps she finds it endearing, where as sometimes I find myself odd. She gets 5 stars for putting up with the events of Saturday. The Blasian is best described as Korean in appearance with African American skin, and black hair, general body build is that of a Korean, seriously it looks as if god took a Korean woman and painted them black. She’s darn cute. Blasian is also built thick although not ‘heavy’ or ‘fat’, a different change of pace for me. Something else about Blasian that should be noted, all her friends are really smart, she has a taste for the upper class society in life, what the hell she is doing dating Sarge, I have no idea. I have teased you plenty Gentile Reader, its time to get down to the strangeness of Saturday.

So I arrived in L-land, early Saturday morning, but I didn’t do what I was supposed too Blasian said for me to call her as soon as I left my house, in O-Ville so she would have a couple hours to get ready…what ever that meant. I called her from less than 30 minutes outside of L-Land so that she would at least be awake when I arrived, and I also needed directions to her house. She did a bit of Korean style screeching something about “I KNEW you would do this to me, I just knew it...” blah blah blah I didn’t pay attention it was funny, you get the drift. So I showed up, we hugged, kissed, she made breakfast (kick ass, my god that woman can cook, Kudos Blasian, Kudos all the way) ((Wait? Did she make breakfast, that morning? Or was it Sunday? Shit…I can’t remember, I remember some Turkish food in there some where, I think that was lunch.)) One thing I enjoy doing when going to L-Land is visiting the exotic pet stores up there, and comparing them to the ones I have here, and also to my animal collection. My collection of animals was deemed to be roughly 10 times better than the pet stores we visited. I did however talk Blasian into feeding the crocodiles (actually, Morelet's Crocodile (Crocodylus moreletii) I do know my animals damn it) and talked the owner into letting her after convincing Blasian it would be a good idea. A small rat was selected and killed, then the crocodiles where fed. She handled it well, I was impressed.

If you notice there are slight gaps in the reasoning here, and the story is set in as linear a time line as I can string the events together, I got Tucker Max drunk later in the evening. It was shortly after lunch, (this is out second date, I should have mentioned it earlier, but this WHOLE event/weekend was our second date…) and we decided to go see the movie Cloverfield, OUTSTANDING MOVIE! Loved it I would love to own one of those spider/intergalactic tick animal thingies, but maybe a smaller sized one I could fit in a large glass terrarium and feed baby animals to…shiny rabbit (see explanation of Shiny Rabbit in another blog) after the movie, I don’t quite remember what went on, I think I started drinking, we rented some movies and watched them. Blasian is not a fan of SciFi nor, of horror flicks, I happen to live for them, mostly because well, I like to think about what I would do in that situation, and it gives me fond flash backs to times when I was a real life action hero in the military. So we rented Dawn of the Dead, and Super Bad, I picked Dawn of the Dead because well, she needed to see a zombie flick as I have a mild fascination with them (easy to kill, lots of them, easy to tell good guys from bad guys…and there’s usually gratuitous sex involved in any zombie invasion, it’s a given.) I sat the whole time and geeked out on the explanation of the different genres of zombies, and there capabilities, and the theory behind the zombie virus/bacteria infection, re-animation blah blah blah, good highly scientific stuff. It made it less scary for her I guess, as she just sorta listened endearingly to me, and at some point (*insert memory gap here*) about 2/3rds the way through the movie (got distracted) the movie switched to Super Bad. Up until this point and throughout the movie Super Bad I had been decently sober and paying attention to shit. I remember grabbing the bottle of Absolute Vodka, and taking a massive pull, a good 4-6 oz guzzle and then placing the bottle down (I REALLY like Vodka) and stating in a triumphant voice “So uh, when are we going to go meet your friends?” I could tell already that this was going to be fun.
Gentile Reader, Sarge does not do well in a social situation unless he has a well defined role. So I asked her “So what’s my role in this shindig?” I then listened to explanations of her friend’s personalities, and so forth, and figured, that an aristocratic somewhat social butterfly appearance would be better to portray than say…a drunken ex-army guy always looking to be in the spotlight and damage his liver. We arrived at the party, I acted all impressively well groomed, and shiny and shit. The party Gentile Reader was a wine tasting, after choir party thingy. Alcohol, the lubricator of personalities and my dear friend was there in force, I think I impressed the hostess when, asked what wines I prefer I actually ordered one by name. I had a couple….dozen, maybe… glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon. Vodka+wine=perky as a freaking high school cheerleader on wine coolers. Being a good hostess, my glass was always full, I think that this was partially due to the fact that Blasian chick suddenly changed flavor choices on them and showed up with a white guy and they where curious to get me drunk enough to start talking. I didn’t let them down, I talked, but I was pleasant it wasn’t until some time after the party that things started to get strange and Sarge style.
We left the party, got back to the house, where I continued drinking, mixing 4-6oz of vodka in a tumbler with about 2oz of water and drinking the concoction in rapid succession. I remembered taking the door knob apart for the back door, it was broken, I put it back together in a little bit better fashion, I’m always surprised when people let drunk people attempt to fix something/build something in there house. I remember thinking that this was highly entertaining, at the same time being mildly confused about the internal workings of the simple door knob, it fascinated me for a good 20 minutes, and 3 drinks. (I would like to note that later I had to use a credit card to open the door, as the knob sticky-outy thingy would no longer retract and after a sever beating it worked marginally better than before I touched it.) Things where mildly digressing as I was quite drunk, in fact goofy, basically stupid irresponsible drunk at this time. The little alarm went off in my head, which tells me its time to find somewhere to sleep, because I was going to pass out in about 20 minutes. During this whole time I was amazing even myself with my wit and charm, I did notice while in the shower that as I sang renditions of Old Man River, and miscellaneous show tunes that the shower stall gave my voice a mechanical, metallic sound, this entertained me very much. I expressed my opinion of the acoustics of Blasian chicks shower; although I tried to sound well spoken I think it came out something more like, “duuudeeee, that’s sooo cool! The shower makes me sound like some sorta singering robot!” To this, random giggling sounds answered from the bedroom.
Let me take you back in time, some 5 minutes before I got into the shower. I realized at some point that I had lost my clothing, yes my clothes. I had brought some clothes to put on AFTER the shower, some like PJs and such, flannel pants and a wife beater type shirt. These items went missing. I looked for them everywhere, outside in my vehicle, under her bed, under the sofa, in my backpack, the gun cases, all over the damned place. The clothing had simply vanished. For a half crazed moment the thought ran through my mind that perhaps Blasian chick had intentionally hidden the clothing from me. For some reason this semi rational thought stuck as the most likely event. It was time to go casual naked.
Ok, back to the shower, so no shit there I was naked as the day I was born, I finished toweling off and dropped the towel where it lay, and no other piece of cloth was going to touch my skin until I was under the covers. I stuck my head out around the edge of the bathroom door and with a smile that looked something somewhat maniacal I said “are you readyyy?”
Gentile Reader, the following I have no recollection of, it was relayed to me by Blasian Chick on Sunday, so I will write it as one giant 5th person narrative I guess you could call it. I will unabashedly relay to you the events as they where told to me:
*giggling, followed by a look of absurdity that I didn’t remember any of the apparently kick ass lines I said last night, nor the strange things I said or did, when I asked her Sunday if she had a good nights sleep*
Blasian Chick: “But you said you always remember everything that happens when you’re drunk...”
Sarge: “Yeah, when I’m awake, and I think maybe the mixture of wine and vodka caused some sort of liver overload….from what I remember things where pretty strange”
Blasian Chick “You really don’t remember?”
Sarge “Oh god, what did I do?” *blushing* (I NEVER BLUSH I was worried…made me blush)
Blasian Chick: “honey….are you sure you don’t remember? You where sooo sweet last night…”
Sarge “this is starting to remind me of a movie, where this guy and his wife get into a huge fight and the last thing he remembers is having a couple drinks and then he wakes up and she’s like totally back in love with him and they are together again, he spends the rest of the movie trying to figure out what it is he did… and it worries me a bit…”
Blasian Chick: “You really want to know what all you did?”
Sarge, “Yes, but uh, if I did something weird, forget I did it, and next time record the touching, beautiful like stuff I say so I can use it again some day.”
Blasian Chick: “Ok well, uh…when you stuck your head around the edge of the shower I was all covering my eyes with the pillow...and then you came out, and told me “I aint shy, go ahead and look” at what point you sort of….there’s no better word to describe it, you frolicked about the room, stuck some poses, and then stumbled to the bed and crawled up under the covers..”
Sarge: “What the hell do you mean frolicked?”
*Blasian chick then stuck some poses and simulated the supposed frolicking, yes Gentile Reader based on her artistic interpretation I DID in fact frolic nakedly about the room.*
She then continued the story, apparently I had said some things that where quite interesting, some of them good, some of them rather odd, here are the highlights some of the one liners I apparently said.
“Go ahead touch it, *humping against her leg* Your not going to break it”
“My balls are heavy”
“You smell nice, pheromones…yumm…what do I smell like, describe it… no you’re not doing it right, smell like this, raise your upper lip it’s called Firthing”
“Metal oxide has many uses...” *scientific explanation here something to do with Thermite*
“Your much smarter than my ex”
“I think I’m an experiment for you, but I’m ok with that”
“I have chosen you as my mate, and I wish to breed with you”
*(WTF?! Is the only thing I can think of…notice she never told me what SHE said in response to any of that crap, maybe she just let me mumble, she did find it funny though, and evidently I purr when I’m drunk, passed out and making out with a woman…that might be useful later….purring can be sexy right?)*
Gentile reader, I am sure you get the drift I was apparently all over the place; however I was totally asleep this is a disturbing realization. I can hold a semi-lucid conversation when passed out. God only knows the true implementations of this discovery if it fell into the wrong hands.
Sarge: “So uh, what else did I say?”
Blasian “Well, that’s about it, you rolled over, snuggled up to me said ‘you suck’ and then fell asleep the next breath, I totally thought you where awake the whole time.”
Sarge: “Where my eyes closed?”
Blasian “Yeah, come to think of it they where”
Sarge: “dear god…”
Gentile Reader, I chose to omit some things in this story as they was more information than you needed to know, or it was to embarrassing to actually admit to…I love anonymity.

Eternally yours,

Sarge.