Gentile Reader,
First and foremost I would like for you to understand that copious amounts of alcohol and me generally mix quite well, the end result being series of legendary, almost epic events. Secondly I would like for you to know, that deep down inside I am rather geeky, and explain things in a sometimes strange fashion. The following events will make more sense, if taken in context. I love animals, I have quite a few different type of pets, when I geek out on something, and start talking about it I sound somewhat like a narrator for a BBC film about African wildlife. When I get to the ‘almost passed out drunk’ (to be substituted with ‘passed out but still lucid drunk’ apparently) I go into a strange teaching mode, likening human behavior to that of animals, shit you will see if you read on. Now, onto the good parts.
Meet The Blasian: Blasian will not be identified further, it should be noted she is the smartest woman that I have ever dated, she’s half black and half Korean, and completely hilarious, she has a masters degree, and puts up with my antics when most women would run away. I have no idea why she puts up with the crazy shit I do, perhaps she finds it endearing, where as sometimes I find myself odd. She gets 5 stars for putting up with the events of Saturday. The Blasian is best described as Korean in appearance with African American skin, and black hair, general body build is that of a Korean, seriously it looks as if god took a Korean woman and painted them black. She’s darn cute. Blasian is also built thick although not ‘heavy’ or ‘fat’, a different change of pace for me. Something else about Blasian that should be noted, all her friends are really smart, she has a taste for the upper class society in life, what the hell she is doing dating Sarge, I have no idea. I have teased you plenty Gentile Reader, its time to get down to the strangeness of Saturday.
So I arrived in L-land, early Saturday morning, but I didn’t do what I was supposed too Blasian said for me to call her as soon as I left my house, in O-Ville so she would have a couple hours to get ready…what ever that meant. I called her from less than 30 minutes outside of L-Land so that she would at least be awake when I arrived, and I also needed directions to her house. She did a bit of Korean style screeching something about “I KNEW you would do this to me, I just knew it...” blah blah blah I didn’t pay attention it was funny, you get the drift. So I showed up, we hugged, kissed, she made breakfast (kick ass, my god that woman can cook, Kudos Blasian, Kudos all the way) ((Wait? Did she make breakfast, that morning? Or was it Sunday? Shit…I can’t remember, I remember some Turkish food in there some where, I think that was lunch.)) One thing I enjoy doing when going to L-Land is visiting the exotic pet stores up there, and comparing them to the ones I have here, and also to my animal collection. My collection of animals was deemed to be roughly 10 times better than the pet stores we visited. I did however talk Blasian into feeding the crocodiles (actually, Morelet's Crocodile (Crocodylus moreletii) I do know my animals damn it) and talked the owner into letting her after convincing Blasian it would be a good idea. A small rat was selected and killed, then the crocodiles where fed. She handled it well, I was impressed.
If you notice there are slight gaps in the reasoning here, and the story is set in as linear a time line as I can string the events together, I got Tucker Max drunk later in the evening. It was shortly after lunch, (this is out second date, I should have mentioned it earlier, but this WHOLE event/weekend was our second date…) and we decided to go see the movie Cloverfield, OUTSTANDING MOVIE! Loved it I would love to own one of those spider/intergalactic tick animal thingies, but maybe a smaller sized one I could fit in a large glass terrarium and feed baby animals to…shiny rabbit (see explanation of Shiny Rabbit in another blog) after the movie, I don’t quite remember what went on, I think I started drinking, we rented some movies and watched them. Blasian is not a fan of SciFi nor, of horror flicks, I happen to live for them, mostly because well, I like to think about what I would do in that situation, and it gives me fond flash backs to times when I was a real life action hero in the military. So we rented Dawn of the Dead, and Super Bad, I picked Dawn of the Dead because well, she needed to see a zombie flick as I have a mild fascination with them (easy to kill, lots of them, easy to tell good guys from bad guys…and there’s usually gratuitous sex involved in any zombie invasion, it’s a given.) I sat the whole time and geeked out on the explanation of the different genres of zombies, and there capabilities, and the theory behind the zombie virus/bacteria infection, re-animation blah blah blah, good highly scientific stuff. It made it less scary for her I guess, as she just sorta listened endearingly to me, and at some point (*insert memory gap here*) about 2/3rds the way through the movie (got distracted) the movie switched to Super Bad. Up until this point and throughout the movie Super Bad I had been decently sober and paying attention to shit. I remember grabbing the bottle of Absolute Vodka, and taking a massive pull, a good 4-6 oz guzzle and then placing the bottle down (I REALLY like Vodka) and stating in a triumphant voice “So uh, when are we going to go meet your friends?” I could tell already that this was going to be fun.
Gentile Reader, Sarge does not do well in a social situation unless he has a well defined role. So I asked her “So what’s my role in this shindig?” I then listened to explanations of her friend’s personalities, and so forth, and figured, that an aristocratic somewhat social butterfly appearance would be better to portray than say…a drunken ex-army guy always looking to be in the spotlight and damage his liver. We arrived at the party, I acted all impressively well groomed, and shiny and shit. The party Gentile Reader was a wine tasting, after choir party thingy. Alcohol, the lubricator of personalities and my dear friend was there in force, I think I impressed the hostess when, asked what wines I prefer I actually ordered one by name. I had a couple….dozen, maybe… glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon. Vodka+wine=perky as a freaking high school cheerleader on wine coolers. Being a good hostess, my glass was always full, I think that this was partially due to the fact that Blasian chick suddenly changed flavor choices on them and showed up with a white guy and they where curious to get me drunk enough to start talking. I didn’t let them down, I talked, but I was pleasant it wasn’t until some time after the party that things started to get strange and Sarge style.
We left the party, got back to the house, where I continued drinking, mixing 4-6oz of vodka in a tumbler with about 2oz of water and drinking the concoction in rapid succession. I remembered taking the door knob apart for the back door, it was broken, I put it back together in a little bit better fashion, I’m always surprised when people let drunk people attempt to fix something/build something in there house. I remember thinking that this was highly entertaining, at the same time being mildly confused about the internal workings of the simple door knob, it fascinated me for a good 20 minutes, and 3 drinks. (I would like to note that later I had to use a credit card to open the door, as the knob sticky-outy thingy would no longer retract and after a sever beating it worked marginally better than before I touched it.) Things where mildly digressing as I was quite drunk, in fact goofy, basically stupid irresponsible drunk at this time. The little alarm went off in my head, which tells me its time to find somewhere to sleep, because I was going to pass out in about 20 minutes. During this whole time I was amazing even myself with my wit and charm, I did notice while in the shower that as I sang renditions of Old Man River, and miscellaneous show tunes that the shower stall gave my voice a mechanical, metallic sound, this entertained me very much. I expressed my opinion of the acoustics of Blasian chicks shower; although I tried to sound well spoken I think it came out something more like, “duuudeeee, that’s sooo cool! The shower makes me sound like some sorta singering robot!” To this, random giggling sounds answered from the bedroom.
Let me take you back in time, some 5 minutes before I got into the shower. I realized at some point that I had lost my clothing, yes my clothes. I had brought some clothes to put on AFTER the shower, some like PJs and such, flannel pants and a wife beater type shirt. These items went missing. I looked for them everywhere, outside in my vehicle, under her bed, under the sofa, in my backpack, the gun cases, all over the damned place. The clothing had simply vanished. For a half crazed moment the thought ran through my mind that perhaps Blasian chick had intentionally hidden the clothing from me. For some reason this semi rational thought stuck as the most likely event. It was time to go casual naked.
Ok, back to the shower, so no shit there I was naked as the day I was born, I finished toweling off and dropped the towel where it lay, and no other piece of cloth was going to touch my skin until I was under the covers. I stuck my head out around the edge of the bathroom door and with a smile that looked something somewhat maniacal I said “are you readyyy?”
Gentile Reader, the following I have no recollection of, it was relayed to me by Blasian Chick on Sunday, so I will write it as one giant 5th person narrative I guess you could call it. I will unabashedly relay to you the events as they where told to me:
*giggling, followed by a look of absurdity that I didn’t remember any of the apparently kick ass lines I said last night, nor the strange things I said or did, when I asked her Sunday if she had a good nights sleep*
Blasian Chick: “But you said you always remember everything that happens when you’re drunk...”
Sarge: “Yeah, when I’m awake, and I think maybe the mixture of wine and vodka caused some sort of liver overload….from what I remember things where pretty strange”
Blasian Chick “You really don’t remember?”
Sarge “Oh god, what did I do?” *blushing* (I NEVER BLUSH I was worried…made me blush)
Blasian Chick: “honey….are you sure you don’t remember? You where sooo sweet last night…”
Sarge “this is starting to remind me of a movie, where this guy and his wife get into a huge fight and the last thing he remembers is having a couple drinks and then he wakes up and she’s like totally back in love with him and they are together again, he spends the rest of the movie trying to figure out what it is he did… and it worries me a bit…”
Blasian Chick: “You really want to know what all you did?”
Sarge, “Yes, but uh, if I did something weird, forget I did it, and next time record the touching, beautiful like stuff I say so I can use it again some day.”
Blasian Chick: “Ok well, uh…when you stuck your head around the edge of the shower I was all covering my eyes with the pillow...and then you came out, and told me “I aint shy, go ahead and look” at what point you sort of….there’s no better word to describe it, you frolicked about the room, stuck some poses, and then stumbled to the bed and crawled up under the covers..”
Sarge: “What the hell do you mean frolicked?”
*Blasian chick then stuck some poses and simulated the supposed frolicking, yes Gentile Reader based on her artistic interpretation I DID in fact frolic nakedly about the room.*
She then continued the story, apparently I had said some things that where quite interesting, some of them good, some of them rather odd, here are the highlights some of the one liners I apparently said.
“Go ahead touch it, *humping against her leg* Your not going to break it”
“My balls are heavy”
“You smell nice, pheromones…yumm…what do I smell like, describe it… no you’re not doing it right, smell like this, raise your upper lip it’s called Firthing”
“Metal oxide has many uses...” *scientific explanation here something to do with Thermite*
“Your much smarter than my ex”
“I think I’m an experiment for you, but I’m ok with that”
“I have chosen you as my mate, and I wish to breed with you”
*(WTF?! Is the only thing I can think of…notice she never told me what SHE said in response to any of that crap, maybe she just let me mumble, she did find it funny though, and evidently I purr when I’m drunk, passed out and making out with a woman…that might be useful later….purring can be sexy right?)*
Gentile reader, I am sure you get the drift I was apparently all over the place; however I was totally asleep this is a disturbing realization. I can hold a semi-lucid conversation when passed out. God only knows the true implementations of this discovery if it fell into the wrong hands.
Sarge: “So uh, what else did I say?”
Blasian “Well, that’s about it, you rolled over, snuggled up to me said ‘you suck’ and then fell asleep the next breath, I totally thought you where awake the whole time.”
Sarge: “Where my eyes closed?”
Blasian “Yeah, come to think of it they where”
Sarge: “dear god…”
Gentile Reader, I chose to omit some things in this story as they was more information than you needed to know, or it was to embarrassing to actually admit to…I love anonymity.
Eternally yours,
Sarge.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
The Apartment Food Chain
Gentile Reader,
Let me take a moment to bring you back to this summer, and tell you a touch about where I live without revealing too much. I choose to live in the Ghetto, and there are good reasons for this; I can have what ever animals I wish as long as the rent is paid on time (I always pay early), that and no one asks any questions despite construction sounds coming from my apartment at 0300. There is one tactic to Ghetto survival, if you can properly intimidate the populous around you; you are never freer than in the Ghetto. No one looks you in the eye, and as long as you act rather violent, and display yourself as larger than life you’re reasonably safe. I did this quite easily when I first moved in by sitting outside on the porch cleaning my hand gun, wearing a wife-beater while drinking a ’40 with a Dumerils Boa around my neck. I am the only white male in my apartment complex, intimidation of the drug dealers is a top priority; oh and I am friends with some of them, a strategic alliance. In the above display I combined a couple things that the racist African Americans in my apartment complex are scared of, guns, white people drinking, and snakes into one very open display. It worked like a charm, to reinforce there ideas about me I have been known to wear a snake around my shoulders while taking out the trash, or checking the mail. Now that the human part of the food chain is out of the way lets talk about the vermin that infest the apartments.
I keep snakes, lots of snakes and have many mouse traps set out to catch any stray rodents, so there’s not really any problem with the rodents in the apartments that are next to me or below me, further than that I have no idea. There is however a great nemesis that I attempted to defeat, and fought a glorious battle against this summer. Roaches, and not just the little Mexican kids that steal and destroy things in the apartment complex, I’m talking about the 6 legged type. There was a massive surge in the roach populations during this last summer, evident by the many droppings and seeing them everywhere a little roach could hide, having killed many females developing egg sacks, it was on. I tried traps for them, including honey in a bowl with slick sides (worked very well, like a tar pit for roaches.) I tried poison for a brief period but I was afraid one would ingest the poison and crawl its happy ass into one of my animal cages and be eaten therefore killing a bird, or gecko inadvertently. The idea struck me one day that I needed to use military tactics against the little bastards; I was going to build an army. I spent a couple days figuring out what sort of army it was that I needed, and did a little research online. Spiders would have worked very well, but there is no fucking way I am going to intentionally release massive amounts of spiders into my house. Sarge does NOT like spiders. I am more of a reptile person; I needed an animal that wasn’t going to crap everywhere, and could survive in a harsh house like environment, and perhaps even reproduce and populate indoors, free range style. I settled on the Mediterranean House Gecko. I had my army picked out, feral geckos.
Ahh yes Gentile Reader, that’s right a horde of the cute little geckos that hitchhiked there way to this part of Texas on trucks following the I-20, and I-10 corridor, from somewhere near Huston. They got to Huston via a ship coming from Africa, and set up shop in Texas quite happily, there population is some what dense but no one is complaining, sometimes I get animal rescue calls from people that find them in there house, but I let them know it’s a good thing.
I set about collecting a good amount of them, I visited a couple trash piles at an illegal dumping site across from a post office, I flipped boards, and soon had a nice sized Critter Keeper full of the magnificent little beasts. The war was on. On the drive home I gave a speech that would make Patton proud, and at the same time, perhaps even Hitler. I spoke about Eugenics to them, told them all the good little female geckos needed to do there best to find and mate with only the best roach killing males, and become a super race of mutant geckos. Gentile Reader, these are very small geckos, the largest one I have seen is 3 inches long, maybe a bit wider than a standard sized Sharpie, and dang near flat most are much smaller. They are also almost clear in appearance, and faster than lightning. I had my army; it was time for the roaches to die. After capturing a couple enemy combatants and subjecting them to a Thunder Dome death match in the Critter Keeper (I had to test the geckos roach munching ability) I found that the roaches where the perfect feeder size for the largest of the geckos, and the baby roaches where perfect for the smallest of my army. I strategically released the geckos in the kitchen, my bed room got 3 of them, the bathroom got 5 of them, the front room got 5, and the rest where set in random places on the walls, 22 geckos against an unimaginably large force of roaches. Visions of epic battles, resembling a cross between the movie Ants, and Lord of the Rings danced happily in my head.
Let me say Gentile Reader that I have yet to see more than 1 gecko per week to this day, if I am lucky. I leave a small bowl of water near the sink for them to drink from, and that is generally where I see one on a weekly basis, mostly late a night and only for a moment in the soft glow of the fridge door light. I will however say that the roaches appear to be losing; the Roach sightings have dropped from nearly 20 a day, to somewhere near 5 per month. God bless Mother Nature. If only I could properly train Zombies to eat the annoying human roaches in my apartment complex, but that’s another story, for another day.
Eternally yours,
Sarge.
Let me take a moment to bring you back to this summer, and tell you a touch about where I live without revealing too much. I choose to live in the Ghetto, and there are good reasons for this; I can have what ever animals I wish as long as the rent is paid on time (I always pay early), that and no one asks any questions despite construction sounds coming from my apartment at 0300. There is one tactic to Ghetto survival, if you can properly intimidate the populous around you; you are never freer than in the Ghetto. No one looks you in the eye, and as long as you act rather violent, and display yourself as larger than life you’re reasonably safe. I did this quite easily when I first moved in by sitting outside on the porch cleaning my hand gun, wearing a wife-beater while drinking a ’40 with a Dumerils Boa around my neck. I am the only white male in my apartment complex, intimidation of the drug dealers is a top priority; oh and I am friends with some of them, a strategic alliance. In the above display I combined a couple things that the racist African Americans in my apartment complex are scared of, guns, white people drinking, and snakes into one very open display. It worked like a charm, to reinforce there ideas about me I have been known to wear a snake around my shoulders while taking out the trash, or checking the mail. Now that the human part of the food chain is out of the way lets talk about the vermin that infest the apartments.
I keep snakes, lots of snakes and have many mouse traps set out to catch any stray rodents, so there’s not really any problem with the rodents in the apartments that are next to me or below me, further than that I have no idea. There is however a great nemesis that I attempted to defeat, and fought a glorious battle against this summer. Roaches, and not just the little Mexican kids that steal and destroy things in the apartment complex, I’m talking about the 6 legged type. There was a massive surge in the roach populations during this last summer, evident by the many droppings and seeing them everywhere a little roach could hide, having killed many females developing egg sacks, it was on. I tried traps for them, including honey in a bowl with slick sides (worked very well, like a tar pit for roaches.) I tried poison for a brief period but I was afraid one would ingest the poison and crawl its happy ass into one of my animal cages and be eaten therefore killing a bird, or gecko inadvertently. The idea struck me one day that I needed to use military tactics against the little bastards; I was going to build an army. I spent a couple days figuring out what sort of army it was that I needed, and did a little research online. Spiders would have worked very well, but there is no fucking way I am going to intentionally release massive amounts of spiders into my house. Sarge does NOT like spiders. I am more of a reptile person; I needed an animal that wasn’t going to crap everywhere, and could survive in a harsh house like environment, and perhaps even reproduce and populate indoors, free range style. I settled on the Mediterranean House Gecko. I had my army picked out, feral geckos.
Ahh yes Gentile Reader, that’s right a horde of the cute little geckos that hitchhiked there way to this part of Texas on trucks following the I-20, and I-10 corridor, from somewhere near Huston. They got to Huston via a ship coming from Africa, and set up shop in Texas quite happily, there population is some what dense but no one is complaining, sometimes I get animal rescue calls from people that find them in there house, but I let them know it’s a good thing.
I set about collecting a good amount of them, I visited a couple trash piles at an illegal dumping site across from a post office, I flipped boards, and soon had a nice sized Critter Keeper full of the magnificent little beasts. The war was on. On the drive home I gave a speech that would make Patton proud, and at the same time, perhaps even Hitler. I spoke about Eugenics to them, told them all the good little female geckos needed to do there best to find and mate with only the best roach killing males, and become a super race of mutant geckos. Gentile Reader, these are very small geckos, the largest one I have seen is 3 inches long, maybe a bit wider than a standard sized Sharpie, and dang near flat most are much smaller. They are also almost clear in appearance, and faster than lightning. I had my army; it was time for the roaches to die. After capturing a couple enemy combatants and subjecting them to a Thunder Dome death match in the Critter Keeper (I had to test the geckos roach munching ability) I found that the roaches where the perfect feeder size for the largest of the geckos, and the baby roaches where perfect for the smallest of my army. I strategically released the geckos in the kitchen, my bed room got 3 of them, the bathroom got 5 of them, the front room got 5, and the rest where set in random places on the walls, 22 geckos against an unimaginably large force of roaches. Visions of epic battles, resembling a cross between the movie Ants, and Lord of the Rings danced happily in my head.
Let me say Gentile Reader that I have yet to see more than 1 gecko per week to this day, if I am lucky. I leave a small bowl of water near the sink for them to drink from, and that is generally where I see one on a weekly basis, mostly late a night and only for a moment in the soft glow of the fridge door light. I will however say that the roaches appear to be losing; the Roach sightings have dropped from nearly 20 a day, to somewhere near 5 per month. God bless Mother Nature. If only I could properly train Zombies to eat the annoying human roaches in my apartment complex, but that’s another story, for another day.
Eternally yours,
Sarge.
Monday, January 14, 2008
My First Scammer!
My First Scammer!
OUTSTANDING,
Kind reader, I am proud to say that I have moved up in society enough that I have finally after a much anticipated wait and having signed up for EVERY SINGLE spam/scam list that sells your e-mail information that I could find, that I finally, with much anticipation have received my first verifiable SCAM LETTER! Here is that letter, and my response to the scammer.
FROM THE DESK OF MR.BELLO DANSUKI,
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) OUAGADOUGOU,
BURKINA-FASO WEST AFRICA.
My Mobile No+22678851258
MY ALTANETIVE E-MAIL(mr_bello13@yahoo.fr)
RE:TRANSFER OF ($18,500.000.00 USD)
(EIGHTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ).
Dear Friend,
I want to transfer to overseas ($18,500.000.00 USD) Eighteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) from the Bank of Africa,I want to ask you to quietly look for a reliable and honest person who will be capable and fit to provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new Bank a/c immediately to receive this money,even an empty a/c can serve to receive this funds quitely.
I am Bello Dansuki,the accountant personal confidant to Dr. Ravindra F. Shah who died together with his wife Dr.Mrs.Manjula Parikh-Shah in a plane crash on the 1st Oct.2003 on their way to attend wedding in Boston.
Mr.Ravindra F. Shah, is an American,a physician and industrialist,he died without having any beneficiary to his assets including his account here in Burkina Faso which he opened in a Bank of Africa in the year 2000 as his personal savings for the purpose of expansion and developement of his companybefore his untimely death in 2003.
The amount involved is (USD18,500,000.00) EIGHTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS,no other person knows about this account, I am contacting you for us to transfer this funds to your account as the beneficiary,I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money can not be approved to a local person here,without valid international foreign passport,but can only be approved to any foreigner with valid international passport or drivers license and foreign a/c because the money is in US Dollars and the former owner of the a/c Mr.Ravindra F. Shah is a foreigner too,and as such the money can only be approved into a foreign a/c.However,I am revealing this to you with believe in ALLAH that you will never let me down in this business, you are the first and the only person that I am contacting for this business, so please reply urgently so that I will inform you the next step to take urgently.
Send also your private telephone and fax number including the full details of the account to be used for the deposit.I need your full co-operation to make this work fine.because the management is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who has correct information of this account, which I will give to you,upon your positive response and once I am convinced that you are capable and will meet up with instruction of a key bank official who is deeply involved with me in this business.
At the conclusion of this business,you will be given 30% of the total amount,60% will be for me,while 10% will be for expenses both parties might have incurred during the process of transferring.I look forward to your earliest reply.
Sincerely,
Mr.Bello Dansuki.
As you can see kind reader, there are many things wrong with this letter, so to confuse, discombobulate and basically fuck with the author I figured I would correct the errors, and send it back, along with a personalized note.
Dear Mr. Bello,
I know that in your poor, AIDS infested country of Africa the educational system inst the best, but figuring that you would work at a bank and all, that you would be able to afford a true education. Knowing full well that this letter will fall on deaf ears, it’s my gift to you, to send you a corrected version of this letter. Perhaps you will have better luck if your grammar and spelling wasn’t so horrible. Here are a couple pointers to perhaps improve your chances at successful scamming.
1) All scams coming out of Africa, (Nigeria mostly) are easy to pick out, the main reason is that you morons choose such a high sum of money, and seemingly pop out of nowhere, if you decreased the amount of promised money, and had a actually WORKING phone system/bank that they could call to verify the information it would work a whole hell of a lot better.
2) Your stupid scam has been on TV and the internet find a new one, try something maybe along the lines of prescription drug scams, China has had great success with this one in the recent history.
3) Don’t try and scam Americans, there are far more gullible people out there, especially in Europe, if they can “accidentally” marry there own twin they should be easy to scam.
Now that we have covered the basics, here is my gift to you Dear scammer, please feel free to use this letter to the best of your idiotic knowledge perhaps this version will be far more successful for you.
FROM THE DESK OF MR.BELLO DANSUKI,
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) OUAGADOUGOU,
BURKINA-FASO WEST AFRICA.
My Mobile No+22678851258
MY ALTANETIVE E-MAIL(mr_bello13@yahoo.fr)
(the first correction will be to make the amount more believable, oh yeah and that Yahoo e-mail extension if from FRANCE NOT AFRICA)
( I took the liberty of removing the RE: as this is a original not a response letter) TRANSFER OF ($18,500 USD)
(EIGHTEEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS ).
Dear Friend, (this is the first thing that labels it a scam, Americans are not friendly to strangers)
(indent the beginning of a paragraph you moron)
I want (replace Want with WISH) to transfer to overseas (replace with YOU) ($18,500 USD) Eighteen Thousand Five Hundred United States Dollars) from the Bank of Africa,(always hit the space bar after a comma moron)I want to ask you to quietly look for a reliable and honest person who will be capable and fit to provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new Bank a/c (spell out account, it will look less like a scam, and also talk like a fucking American, the word quietly implies that its secret, or wrong and should be hidden replace with a different word) immediately to receive this money, (SPACE) even an empty a/c (ACCOUNT) can serve to receive this (These) funds quitely. (Quietly is spelled wrong, refer to point made above)
I am Bello Dansuki, (space moron, space, oh yeah and choose a name people understand) the accountant personal confidant to Dr. Ravindra F. Shah (this sounds middle eastern, Americans are wary of foreign shit with a middle eastern name) who died together with his wife Dr.Mrs.Manjula Parikh-Shah (Dr.? Mrs? LOL, fucking idiot) in a plane crash on the 1st Oct. (SPACE) 2003 on their way to attend wedding in Boston. (make sure a plane crash really happened at this time so that if someone where to research your bogus claim it would give it some credibility, also Boston? Who the hell choose to voluntarily go to Boston?)
Mr. (SPACE, oh yeah and PICK AN AMERICAN NAME, for her first name, as come on, if she’s American she would have an American first name and a Nigerian, Saudi, or where ever your from last name) Ravindra F. Shah, is an American,(SPACE)a physician and industrialist,(SPACE) he died without having any (Replace ANY with A) beneficiary to his assets including his account here in Burkina Faso which he opened in a (I have a problem with this, you said he opened it in a bank of Africa, is there only one or is it a BRANCH of a bank of Africa? I didn’t even know Africa had a bank I thought they traded in cow dung, or ivory, and black market condoms or something, but I guess with all the foreign aid, they get they must have a bank somewhere.) Bank of Africa in the year 2000 as his personal savings for the purpose of expansion and developement (DEVELOPMENT) of his company (FUCKING SPACE) before his untimely death in 2003.
The amount involved is (USD18, 500) EIGHTEEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS,(SPACE, and another point, capitalizing it wont make it seem more important) no other person knows about this account, (if its at a bank, someone else would know, trust me) I am contacting you for us to transfer this funds to your account as the beneficiary,(SPACE FUCKER!!!)I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money can not be approved to a local person here,(SPACE COCKMONKEY) without valid international foreign passport,(SPACE DICKWEED) but can only be approved to any foreigner with valid international passport or drivers license and foreign a/c (SPELL ACCOUNT) because the money is in US Dollars and the former owner of the a/c(ACCOUNT) Mr.(SPACE CHOTE MONKEY) Ravindra F. Shah is a foreigner too,(SPACE)and as such the money can only be approved into a foreign a/c (ACCOUNT) .However, (SPACE ASSWIPE)I am revealing this to you with believe in ALLAH (an African reference to a middle eastern deity? If you want to appeal to Americans use the word God, not Allah, now in days Allah is something people say before they blow up.) that you will never let me down in this business, you are the first and the only person that I am contacting for this business, so please reply urgently so that I will inform you the next step to take urgently. (The use of the word ‘urgently’ twice in a run-on sentence doesn’t make it sound any smarter, for the love of god get a thesaurus)
(INDENT) Send also your private telephone and fax number including the full details of the account to be used for the deposit.(SPACE) I need your full co-operation to make this work fine.(SPACE, also delete the word ‘fine’) because the management is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who has correct information of this account, which I will give to you,(SPACE TAINT PAINTER) upon your positive response and once I am convinced that you are capable and will meet up with instruction of a key bank official who is deeply involved with me in this business. (This implies that you will actually meet me in person, hence your not in Nigeria, Saudi, or France, *I’m betting on France* If you would truly like to meet, I would be happy to give you these instructions in person.)
(INDENT) At the conclusion of this business,(SPACE ASS WEASLE) you will be given 30% of the total amount,60% will be for me,(SPACE CAMEL JOCKEY) while 10% will be for expenses both parties might have incurred during the process of transferring.(TRANSFERING) I look forward to your earliest reply. (Earliest? So I am supposed to only reply in the very wee hours of the dawn? Or perhaps, your once again confused because your terrorist brethren learned English from a conversion Koran?)
Sincerely,
Mr.Bello Dansuki.
I would like to take a moment, and also point out a few more problems, the surname Dansuki is prevalent in a couple places, the first is Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and finally Nigeria, so I was correct (after a quick Google Search) in my assumption) ‘Yahoo.fr’ in your e-mail address is Yahoo! France, how can you be in Africa and using Yahoo France unless it’s a French province of Africa, hence NIGERIA! I kick ass I know. Another fallacy is that there is no Bank of Africa, Africa is made up of a bunch of different countries, not all of them peaceful to each other and not all of them using the same currency. Have you ever heard of Bank of Europe? No? well, a little lesson my friend Bank of America is not the NATIONAL bank of America, it’s a bank that uses the name America. After goggling Bank of Africa, I find that there is one that follows the same attributes as Bank of America, however it is based in Kenya and just so happens to have a simple small branch in Nigeria. Imagine that…It’s in Lagos Nigeria to boot! Scammer capitol of the world! 10 points for Sarge! Please feel free to use the information provided, dear scammer as I do not want you to go hungry, or lose internet privileges due to your lack of money grubbing skills.
Sincerely,
Sarge.
p.s.
Stop breathing my air, your simply wasting it, feel free to remove yourself from the gene pool in as rapid a method as you can afford, if you need money to pay the local Kevorkian understudy I will be happy to provide the means for you, and your family to schedule an appointment.
OUTSTANDING,
Kind reader, I am proud to say that I have moved up in society enough that I have finally after a much anticipated wait and having signed up for EVERY SINGLE spam/scam list that sells your e-mail information that I could find, that I finally, with much anticipation have received my first verifiable SCAM LETTER! Here is that letter, and my response to the scammer.
FROM THE DESK OF MR.BELLO DANSUKI,
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) OUAGADOUGOU,
BURKINA-FASO WEST AFRICA.
My Mobile No+22678851258
MY ALTANETIVE E-MAIL(mr_bello13@yahoo.fr)
RE:TRANSFER OF ($18,500.000.00 USD)
(EIGHTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ).
Dear Friend,
I want to transfer to overseas ($18,500.000.00 USD) Eighteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) from the Bank of Africa,I want to ask you to quietly look for a reliable and honest person who will be capable and fit to provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new Bank a/c immediately to receive this money,even an empty a/c can serve to receive this funds quitely.
I am Bello Dansuki,the accountant personal confidant to Dr. Ravindra F. Shah who died together with his wife Dr.Mrs.Manjula Parikh-Shah in a plane crash on the 1st Oct.2003 on their way to attend wedding in Boston.
Mr.Ravindra F. Shah, is an American,a physician and industrialist,he died without having any beneficiary to his assets including his account here in Burkina Faso which he opened in a Bank of Africa in the year 2000 as his personal savings for the purpose of expansion and developement of his companybefore his untimely death in 2003.
The amount involved is (USD18,500,000.00) EIGHTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS,no other person knows about this account, I am contacting you for us to transfer this funds to your account as the beneficiary,I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money can not be approved to a local person here,without valid international foreign passport,but can only be approved to any foreigner with valid international passport or drivers license and foreign a/c because the money is in US Dollars and the former owner of the a/c Mr.Ravindra F. Shah is a foreigner too,and as such the money can only be approved into a foreign a/c.However,I am revealing this to you with believe in ALLAH that you will never let me down in this business, you are the first and the only person that I am contacting for this business, so please reply urgently so that I will inform you the next step to take urgently.
Send also your private telephone and fax number including the full details of the account to be used for the deposit.I need your full co-operation to make this work fine.because the management is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who has correct information of this account, which I will give to you,upon your positive response and once I am convinced that you are capable and will meet up with instruction of a key bank official who is deeply involved with me in this business.
At the conclusion of this business,you will be given 30% of the total amount,60% will be for me,while 10% will be for expenses both parties might have incurred during the process of transferring.I look forward to your earliest reply.
Sincerely,
Mr.Bello Dansuki.
As you can see kind reader, there are many things wrong with this letter, so to confuse, discombobulate and basically fuck with the author I figured I would correct the errors, and send it back, along with a personalized note.
Dear Mr. Bello,
I know that in your poor, AIDS infested country of Africa the educational system inst the best, but figuring that you would work at a bank and all, that you would be able to afford a true education. Knowing full well that this letter will fall on deaf ears, it’s my gift to you, to send you a corrected version of this letter. Perhaps you will have better luck if your grammar and spelling wasn’t so horrible. Here are a couple pointers to perhaps improve your chances at successful scamming.
1) All scams coming out of Africa, (Nigeria mostly) are easy to pick out, the main reason is that you morons choose such a high sum of money, and seemingly pop out of nowhere, if you decreased the amount of promised money, and had a actually WORKING phone system/bank that they could call to verify the information it would work a whole hell of a lot better.
2) Your stupid scam has been on TV and the internet find a new one, try something maybe along the lines of prescription drug scams, China has had great success with this one in the recent history.
3) Don’t try and scam Americans, there are far more gullible people out there, especially in Europe, if they can “accidentally” marry there own twin they should be easy to scam.
Now that we have covered the basics, here is my gift to you Dear scammer, please feel free to use this letter to the best of your idiotic knowledge perhaps this version will be far more successful for you.
FROM THE DESK OF MR.BELLO DANSUKI,
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) OUAGADOUGOU,
BURKINA-FASO WEST AFRICA.
My Mobile No+22678851258
MY ALTANETIVE E-MAIL(mr_bello13@yahoo.fr)
(the first correction will be to make the amount more believable, oh yeah and that Yahoo e-mail extension if from FRANCE NOT AFRICA)
( I took the liberty of removing the RE: as this is a original not a response letter) TRANSFER OF ($18,500 USD)
(EIGHTEEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS ).
Dear Friend, (this is the first thing that labels it a scam, Americans are not friendly to strangers)
(indent the beginning of a paragraph you moron)
I want (replace Want with WISH) to transfer to overseas (replace with YOU) ($18,500 USD) Eighteen Thousand Five Hundred United States Dollars) from the Bank of Africa,(always hit the space bar after a comma moron)I want to ask you to quietly look for a reliable and honest person who will be capable and fit to provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new Bank a/c (spell out account, it will look less like a scam, and also talk like a fucking American, the word quietly implies that its secret, or wrong and should be hidden replace with a different word) immediately to receive this money, (SPACE) even an empty a/c (ACCOUNT) can serve to receive this (These) funds quitely. (Quietly is spelled wrong, refer to point made above)
I am Bello Dansuki, (space moron, space, oh yeah and choose a name people understand) the accountant personal confidant to Dr. Ravindra F. Shah (this sounds middle eastern, Americans are wary of foreign shit with a middle eastern name) who died together with his wife Dr.Mrs.Manjula Parikh-Shah (Dr.? Mrs? LOL, fucking idiot) in a plane crash on the 1st Oct. (SPACE) 2003 on their way to attend wedding in Boston. (make sure a plane crash really happened at this time so that if someone where to research your bogus claim it would give it some credibility, also Boston? Who the hell choose to voluntarily go to Boston?)
Mr. (SPACE, oh yeah and PICK AN AMERICAN NAME, for her first name, as come on, if she’s American she would have an American first name and a Nigerian, Saudi, or where ever your from last name) Ravindra F. Shah, is an American,(SPACE)a physician and industrialist,(SPACE) he died without having any (Replace ANY with A) beneficiary to his assets including his account here in Burkina Faso which he opened in a (I have a problem with this, you said he opened it in a bank of Africa, is there only one or is it a BRANCH of a bank of Africa? I didn’t even know Africa had a bank I thought they traded in cow dung, or ivory, and black market condoms or something, but I guess with all the foreign aid, they get they must have a bank somewhere.) Bank of Africa in the year 2000 as his personal savings for the purpose of expansion and developement (DEVELOPMENT) of his company (FUCKING SPACE) before his untimely death in 2003.
The amount involved is (USD18, 500) EIGHTEEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS,(SPACE, and another point, capitalizing it wont make it seem more important) no other person knows about this account, (if its at a bank, someone else would know, trust me) I am contacting you for us to transfer this funds to your account as the beneficiary,(SPACE FUCKER!!!)I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money can not be approved to a local person here,(SPACE COCKMONKEY) without valid international foreign passport,(SPACE DICKWEED) but can only be approved to any foreigner with valid international passport or drivers license and foreign a/c (SPELL ACCOUNT) because the money is in US Dollars and the former owner of the a/c(ACCOUNT) Mr.(SPACE CHOTE MONKEY) Ravindra F. Shah is a foreigner too,(SPACE)and as such the money can only be approved into a foreign a/c (ACCOUNT) .However, (SPACE ASSWIPE)I am revealing this to you with believe in ALLAH (an African reference to a middle eastern deity? If you want to appeal to Americans use the word God, not Allah, now in days Allah is something people say before they blow up.) that you will never let me down in this business, you are the first and the only person that I am contacting for this business, so please reply urgently so that I will inform you the next step to take urgently. (The use of the word ‘urgently’ twice in a run-on sentence doesn’t make it sound any smarter, for the love of god get a thesaurus)
(INDENT) Send also your private telephone and fax number including the full details of the account to be used for the deposit.(SPACE) I need your full co-operation to make this work fine.(SPACE, also delete the word ‘fine’) because the management is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who has correct information of this account, which I will give to you,(SPACE TAINT PAINTER) upon your positive response and once I am convinced that you are capable and will meet up with instruction of a key bank official who is deeply involved with me in this business. (This implies that you will actually meet me in person, hence your not in Nigeria, Saudi, or France, *I’m betting on France* If you would truly like to meet, I would be happy to give you these instructions in person.)
(INDENT) At the conclusion of this business,(SPACE ASS WEASLE) you will be given 30% of the total amount,60% will be for me,(SPACE CAMEL JOCKEY) while 10% will be for expenses both parties might have incurred during the process of transferring.(TRANSFERING) I look forward to your earliest reply. (Earliest? So I am supposed to only reply in the very wee hours of the dawn? Or perhaps, your once again confused because your terrorist brethren learned English from a conversion Koran?)
Sincerely,
Mr.Bello Dansuki.
I would like to take a moment, and also point out a few more problems, the surname Dansuki is prevalent in a couple places, the first is Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and finally Nigeria, so I was correct (after a quick Google Search) in my assumption) ‘Yahoo.fr’ in your e-mail address is Yahoo! France, how can you be in Africa and using Yahoo France unless it’s a French province of Africa, hence NIGERIA! I kick ass I know. Another fallacy is that there is no Bank of Africa, Africa is made up of a bunch of different countries, not all of them peaceful to each other and not all of them using the same currency. Have you ever heard of Bank of Europe? No? well, a little lesson my friend Bank of America is not the NATIONAL bank of America, it’s a bank that uses the name America. After goggling Bank of Africa, I find that there is one that follows the same attributes as Bank of America, however it is based in Kenya and just so happens to have a simple small branch in Nigeria. Imagine that…It’s in Lagos Nigeria to boot! Scammer capitol of the world! 10 points for Sarge! Please feel free to use the information provided, dear scammer as I do not want you to go hungry, or lose internet privileges due to your lack of money grubbing skills.
Sincerely,
Sarge.
p.s.
Stop breathing my air, your simply wasting it, feel free to remove yourself from the gene pool in as rapid a method as you can afford, if you need money to pay the local Kevorkian understudy I will be happy to provide the means for you, and your family to schedule an appointment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
