Year End Wrap Up.

Year End Wrap Up.

Dear Reader…

Allrighty people, sorry that I haven’t written for some time, but I figured I would catch you all up on the random, slightly strange and sometimes good things that happened since the last blog. So here are the things of note in no particular order.

I had the worst day of the year one Friday, when I ran over a buss stop, I figured it would make the news, but oh well, it didn’t. Oh yeah I also broke a small piece of glass off my aviary, broke up again with Mexican Girl, (long story) everything I touched turned to shit that day also, in general it was just a historically bad day. That day started off waking up a full hour late for work.

I spent Christmas alone, and in doing so I consumed a half gallon of crown royal, no one even called me…you suck people.

I took out some more clients and made it a hunt of the life time, got there grandson a very bad ass 7 point cull buck, and the son a turkey, and the client him self a very nice 10 point. They where serious red necks, but they had a lot of fun, I speak red neck. It was truly a hunt of a life time. The problem was Elmer the moron that we take the deer to for processing down there, was being a asshole, and I had to get in his face. He was soliciting my clients for cash, WTF?! This seriously ticked me off and I had to get in his face and yell at him after I pried him away from my clients, and took him out back, I got about 3 inches from his face, and yelled in Sarge style, “What the fuck cock breath? Don’t you dare embarrass me again, understand? If you want money you come to me or Boss you don’t solicit my fucking clients and embarrass the fuck out of me and the company.” It had minimal effect on him; he was to damned drunk of his discount beer to realize I was threatening him. I called Boss, after he went back to it, and Boss called him, and chewed him out, he behaved after that. I took the clients out to BBQ, and get very ‘deer lease’ drunk. They eventually forgot about the whole thing, and half the things that we did on the lease….alcohol can be a good thing.

Mexican Girl keeps drifting in and out of my life, generally costing me money, always wanting food and gas, she’s not putting out nearly enough Cost vs Sex isn’t adding up, it would be cheaper to just get hire a hooker full time…anyone have any references? I am happy to be a sugar daddy, if the amount of sex is equal in some proportion to the amount of money spent. That would be a interesting blog…how much is what sexual favor worth?

Anyone know Tucker Max? Yeah well in a style first made popular by him, I downed a Fifth of Titos Vodka before even showing up at our Christmas party, I jumped on Santa’s lap, then after rattling off a half slurred list of wishes, involving Brazilian hookers, a million dollars, a blow job from a midget…you get the idea, I said it right into the microphone also…the owners of the company where there, the room was silent, then I fell backwards off Santa’s lap, in the process kicking him in the face on accident the room burst into laughter. They tried to cut me off at the bar (4 shots crown, 8 shots of tequila and 4 bud light drafts after the Santa incident..) but I just waited until they weren’t looking and snagged a bottle, a pretty blue one, I think it was sky vodka and stated to spike everyone’s drinks. Gotta love open bar. There are pictures, dirty, evil pictures of things I did, and other people did after I spiked there drinks. The owner lady gave Santa a lap dance, then Boss gave her a lap dance….32 employees drank/ate $15k in food/alcohol at that party….take that big oil! I AM LEDGEND! Yes its true, I am a legend at work, partially because of my alcohol absorption ability, and because I become more friendly and funny and feed off a crowed when I drink. Some chick took me home after I tried to light the bar on fire with the remainder of my blue bottle, and re-enact a dance from Coyote Ugly while singing some Britney Spears remix song…it was ugly, however very hilarious the pictures are posted all over work. Anyone else would be embarrassed but me? Hell no it just strokes the ego…something wrong here…


I traded the parakeets for a breeder female cockatiel for my male cockatiel, I figure I will try and make more. Birds kick my ass, I can get any mammal, or reptile to reproduce in captivity but the damned birds…even my finches in my aviary make nests, but have yet to produce me any babies. My Green cheek Conures, the male tried to kill my female after she refused to sit on the one egg she laid so far, so I had to separate them, however she was depressed and ate her egg. GREAT! Another catastrophic failure with birds, I shall not give up until I get babies!

I took Cranky out hunting rabbits this last weekend (Saturday night, the 30th) outstanding hunt, I’m the best guide in the world found a field packed full of rabbits he we got PLENTY of food for his bigger reptiles to last for months! (Freeze them, to kill parasites then thaw them out to feed to the snakes, each rabbit is in its own large Ziploc bag.) Sunday mourning I had to drive around in search of a car wash that was open the truck is white and it was bathed in blood, bloody hand prints, smear marks, even blood on the windshield, maybe 20% of the total body of the truck was covered in blood, and blood was congealed in giant stalactites hanging from the bumper and tail gate. I got a lot of strange looks in traffic, especially because I hadn’t shaven and was wearing old dirty looking clothes, ripped up and so forth. I did hit on a cute chick in the gas station when I bought the car wash, she kept stressing she had kids and so forth, and that she hated guns, I didn’t figure it was going to work. She seemed like she wanted a date, but heck, she hates guns. I love kids, but if you haven’t figured out guns are a big portion of my livelihood, guns and animals is where I make some of my rent money. I guide on a lot of hunts, and I breed a lot of different animals. I love kids BTW, and I plan on purchasing some after I buy a house in ’08. I will explain that sentence later.

Well there is more stuff that happened, but heck it’s not nearly as entertaining as that which I have written about. Well gentile reader I will talk at you later.

Thanks,

Sarge.

Bye Bye Mexican Girl

Settle Down…

I am going to bitch for a while, as today I am quite cranky. So yesterday (Sunday the 9th of December) this Mexican girl I have been seeing (read: screwing) off and on for some time calls me to tell me she wants to come over, however she doesn’t have the gas to come see me. (she’s a poor college student). I have been playing hunting guide all weekend for some upscale clients, so I was dead tired and wore the heck out, suffering from a moderate hang over, and I didn’t feel like getting up from the sofa I had just laid down on so as o watch my aviary like a TV. She started making cute little noises and saying please really sweet so I hop my happy ass up, get dressed again, and head to the next town over so I can fill up her gas tank and we can see each other for a few minutes. Its freaking cold outside, but the truck hadn’t even cooled down yet, I had only been home about 15 minutes or so. (being single I strip first thing when I come home.) I get over to the dorms, and call her, get her car put $35 worth of gas in it, and then we head to her dorm room where her fat white annoying roommate is watching TV and channel surfing after the person on TV says about 5 words. This is already annoying me. Its getting late in the evening so I lay down on the bed and start to snooze a little and the annoying fat white chick is saying “keep it PG” and shit. Gee, I bet our snuggling was the most action she had seen outside the internet. Keeping things PG isn’t possible when you factor in my penis. So little Mexican girl is playing with my crotch under the blankets while I doze happily, a nice way to snuggle I say. Then all the sudden she pops off with the following comment: “I want you to make me jealous, I haven’t ever been jealous before and I want to know what I would do if I get jealous”. The music stopped, was I just given free reign to hit on random women in front of my supposed girlfriend? This needed more clarification so I stated “well there are some girls at work (the nylons) that hit on me on a regular basis.” This didn’t quite satisfy her, as she retorted with “Oh I know you’re too good of a guy to cheat on me, and that’s what’s making this boring, you wouldn’t ever cheat that’s just not like you, so how are you supposed to make me jealous?” What the fuck over? So now I’m too good of a person to cheat? Or is she saying I’m not attractive enough that any other woman would want me? This defiantly needed some more clarification. Time for Super Asshole Sarge to come out and test her limits of relationship endurance. “Ok woman, look here I don’t screw around, I don’t cheat I don’t even look at other women because I am happy with you.” That was a last ditch effort to avoid the train wreck I saw coming. She rolled her eyes, stopped playing with me privates and said “but that’s boring, how come you don’t?”
Ok, lets stop there for a moment, and realize that until that point I was half asleep and not caring about the conversation much as she was fondling me. When she stopped was when I finally woke up fully and got slightly peeved. I had only had about 4 hours of sleep due to my hunting guide experiences the days prior. Me and Mexican Girl’s relationship has been kind of strange and off and on for over a year. I was pretty fed up with life in general at this point. So in true Sarge style I told her off.
“Listen little girl, if I wanted any lip from you I’d scrape it off my zipper, I don’t WANT to make you jealous but hey, you don’t want a GOOD relationship now do you? You want a typical old world Mexico relationship where the man fucks 3-4 other women on the side. Has this sorta thing been bred into you? You know I’m successful and decently good looking I could walk out that door right now and find a pretty little white girl that wouldn’t give me half the trouble you do, but nooo, I chose you. You are making me regret this choice, now I’m going home, you can go back to your laundry I’ll talk to you later.”
Just so you know kind reader, your not beginning this story in the middle, only in the end, there is much you do not know. Assume what you must, and fill in the blanks using your imagination.
So I left, drove my happy ass back home, went back to the sofa to watch my aviary, and doze off for a while, I dreamed about all the stupid random strange bullshit that Mexican Girl has put me through and I decided that it was probably going to make my life a hell of a lot easier (and less expensive) if I where to just cut it off with her for good. Later that night she called me to tell me she was going out with her friends, and I told her it was over, that I was not going to see her again, that I didn’t need the twilight zone emotional element, and drama associated with our relationship. I also deleted her phone number from my palm treo thingy, and all her contact information was removed from my house. The bad thing is that I don’t even KNOW her phone number, never bothered to memories it, it was always just in my phone. Bye bye Mexican Girl.
This is why I am cranky today; I think I am suffering from Sperm Retention Syndrome.


Thanks,
Sarge.

Boss's Buck

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Let me take a moment to apologize since my last post not much note worth has happened, a few things here and there, such as, I took Boss hunting again on Friday, and Saturday mourning we saw a MONSTER buck around 9:20am. We pulled up to a feeder, and I was glassing it, and this is how it went down…
Boss, “Sarge, you see anything over there?”
Me, “Spike, Doe under the feeder, small buck…”
Just as I was finishing that sentence the “Doe” lifted her head, and BAM, deep, dark mahogany colored horns are a couple inches outside the feeder on either side, he had a rack bigger than some mule deer I have seen. I started breathing a chant “oh my god, shoot, shoot it” over and over. Boss went ballistic, and tried to get a shot, however his rest was unstable, and the spike started trotting off after a Doe that was near the tree line. ‘Al Calhoun’ the buck, started a fast gallivant walk after the spike, he went behind a thicket of trees, and as Boss maneuvered to get a shot as he came out, we lost sight of him, Al Calhoun disappeared.
We returned to the truck, freaking out slightly, and decided not to pressure him by trying to chase him down, but that we would come back a bit later, there is plenty of deer season left. We went into ‘The Chatterbox’ a awesome small diner, all home cooked right in front of you, had some breakfast while planning and trying hard to keep the coffee mugs steady in the afterglow of the adrenaline rush that followed such an event. We picked up some corn at the T&C, (town and country, it s a gas station/convince store line) it was a couple hours later, and somewhere around noon when we got back out there, a storm front had started to move in and the wind was heavy outa the south. The first thing that we saw where some cows, bed down next to the road on the lease, this was not a good sign, if the animals where bed down, we wouldn’t get another chance at Al Calhoun this weekend, there would be no way to catch him running around, and seeing him hiding in the brush would be dang near impossible. A little about the hunting lease…its not the biggest lease in the world, however we only hunt roughly 15% of it, giving the other areas as safe zones for the game animals.
We where driving along slowly, trying hard to stare holes through the brush line so as to see hidden antlers in the tangle of underbrush when Boss slams on the breaks. “There he is!” he whispers in triumph, I stare hard at the brush and finally see a very large 11 point buck sitting up in the middle of a HUGE pile of prickly pear cactus. I could tell right off the back that it wasn’t Al Calhoun, but it was a damned fine buck, and Boss made a fine shot right in the throat. This is that buck: After it was down, that’s when its my turn… if you have read the previous posts, you would know I am Boss’s Bitch, he calls me Son, treats me like his son, refers to me as his son, he has pretty much adopted me. However unlike his other Son, the one named Muscles, I am a tool for Boss to use, and I do all the lifting, all the carrying, and all the semi-sober driving, just about anything even moderately risky. The thing is I sorta enjoy it. So I climb through the cactus, drag the buck out, drag it 150 yards to the truck, lift it into the truck, and then wrap it up to take back to the deer processors (a friend of ours, we will call him Elmer) After that the day was pretty much about alcohol, hunting stories, and planning the next go round. The feeders where all filled, everything checked, pictures where taken (I’m also the photographer), and we headed back home. That was pretty much the end of the weekend, got home at actually a reasonable time Saturday afternoon.

Sarge “The-everything-guy”